Here on the cusp of a New Year, I've noticed that most bloggers have come up with some kind of round up or resolution for 2007/08. Lacking enough posts for a round up, I figure I should write some resolution type things...
1. Write in this blog more often. And the other one too. I'm not just gonna write in here when I feel like absolute shit either! I will do more than just vent.
2. Be more active on campus. No more going to class and then coming strait home, it's time to go to the gym after or the racket ball court, or anything!
3. Make an effort to meet people. This sounds lame, but I think I actually avoid meeting new people because of a number of stupid reasons.
4. Get a job! And pay off my debt, and buy some new clothes, and save up for next year, and, and, and...
5. Stop moping about living at home. This one will be the challenge I think because sometimes I feel like I am actually going insane living here. But I will make an effort!
Ok, so, I figure that if I actually do 3/5 of these, I'll be set for a good start to 2008. Good foundations and all that...
Monday, December 31, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Names
Everything began in the Paris of the Prairies
And from there I learned to fly
Growing tall
In the Land of the Rising Sun
While in the Eternal City
I Discovered immortality
Witnessed progress
In the Parted City
After Auld Reekie
Had shown me real beauty
But then I begun to understand true love
When I met the Bride of the Sea.
And from there I learned to fly
Growing tall
In the Land of the Rising Sun
While in the Eternal City
I Discovered immortality
Witnessed progress
In the Parted City
After Auld Reekie
Had shown me real beauty
But then I begun to understand true love
When I met the Bride of the Sea.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
My Own Hurricane
Spinning spinning spinning
It's like my head just won't stop moving
And as far as I reach
My feet
Will not touch the ground
It's like my head just won't stop moving
And as far as I reach
My feet
Will not touch the ground
Friday, December 7, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
ew.
Men over 55 should not be allowed to talk to single women under 30 unless they are closely related or under heavy supervision. A consent form should have to be signed if neither of these two criteria are met. Inappropriate touching and innuendo are not allowed under any circumstances.
Ew.
That is the last old person party I ever go to. Until I'm old and lonely and need my own rules.
Still, Ew.
Ew.
That is the last old person party I ever go to. Until I'm old and lonely and need my own rules.
Still, Ew.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Snowball
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first-- it wet the bed.
Shel Silverstein, Falling Up
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first-- it wet the bed.
Shel Silverstein, Falling Up
Christmas of 1997
I've been asked a lot lately what I want for Christmas and every time I'm asked I have no idea what to say because I really don't know what I want for Christmas. It was so much easier when I was little and my family could just get me something simple and easy without having to ask me what I wanted and I would usually love it just because of the surprise factor.
When I was ten my grandpa gave me the book Falling Up by Shel Silverstein and this was probably one of the best gifts I have ever been given. I had every poem in the book read by Boxing day and tried to speak only in rhyme up until New Year's. Now, that book is so well-read that the bindings are held together with string and I still have many of the poems memorized word for word.
I don't know if this gift was perfect because of a lucky guess or because my grandpa just knew what I would like. Either way, it made a certain impression on me that I haven't been able to forget (not that I should!). I've branched out a bit from "God's Wheel" and "Snowball" and "Long-Leg Lou and Short-Leg Sue", but I still always go back to them because it's poems like this that really turned me on to poetry when I was small.
I don't know where I was going with this except to say that I think children now don't experience that, and it's a bit sad.
When I was ten my grandpa gave me the book Falling Up by Shel Silverstein and this was probably one of the best gifts I have ever been given. I had every poem in the book read by Boxing day and tried to speak only in rhyme up until New Year's. Now, that book is so well-read that the bindings are held together with string and I still have many of the poems memorized word for word.
I don't know if this gift was perfect because of a lucky guess or because my grandpa just knew what I would like. Either way, it made a certain impression on me that I haven't been able to forget (not that I should!). I've branched out a bit from "God's Wheel" and "Snowball" and "Long-Leg Lou and Short-Leg Sue", but I still always go back to them because it's poems like this that really turned me on to poetry when I was small.
I don't know where I was going with this except to say that I think children now don't experience that, and it's a bit sad.
Monday, December 3, 2007
The Oval
I'm not a very good skater and I never have been, but for some reason I decided to go skating this afternoon. Aside from the constant ache of my feet that started about 7 minutes after my blades touched the ice, and the initial realization that all the other people there were either couples or parents with their three-year-olds, it was really nice to feel myself glide across the ice again. And no, I don't mean feel my ass glide across the ice after I fall flat (I didn't do that this time!). It was like anything else after a while, just me and the ice. It was really neat, all I had to do was think about not skating into anyone and that was it! Nothing else was in my head at all. It was bliss...
Of course, this reverie usually only lasted about 4 minutes, about at which time some hockey player, speed skating champion, or figure skater up for the Olympics would pass me while showing off for whoever he or she (but usually a he) was with. I then had one minute to get back into the zone, and four minutes to stay there.
If I was smart (rather than a dumbass), I would have thought of this sooner.
Live and Learn I guess.
Of course, this reverie usually only lasted about 4 minutes, about at which time some hockey player, speed skating champion, or figure skater up for the Olympics would pass me while showing off for whoever he or she (but usually a he) was with. I then had one minute to get back into the zone, and four minutes to stay there.
If I was smart (rather than a dumbass), I would have thought of this sooner.
Live and Learn I guess.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
something I can't describe
It was always there
in the fresh sheets and the music's beats
and in the warm breeze and the playful tease
the pink lips and the touch of fingertips,
It was everywhere.
In the orange moon and my ice cream spoon
the tight hug and the tea in your mug
and in the lingering kiss and the sight you can't miss,
It was everywhere.
In the fresh-cut flowers and those single golden hours
the falling snow and that song you know
and the second chance and the perfect last dance,
It was everywhere.
I swear that feeling...
it was there.
in the fresh sheets and the music's beats
and in the warm breeze and the playful tease
the pink lips and the touch of fingertips,
It was everywhere.
In the orange moon and my ice cream spoon
the tight hug and the tea in your mug
and in the lingering kiss and the sight you can't miss,
It was everywhere.
In the fresh-cut flowers and those single golden hours
the falling snow and that song you know
and the second chance and the perfect last dance,
It was everywhere.
I swear that feeling...
it was there.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Chilly!
It's strange how events in my life move to some bizarre juxtaposition at just the right moment. This happens all the time, but today it wasn't even subtle. It was like the world just though to itself, 'meh, I'm tired and lazy' and didn't bother to throw in any zeal or twists in order to make things interesting.
Today I received a letter from my friend who doing a semester in Ecuador. It took this letter exactly two months to reach me from the time she posted it, so when it was finally pushed through my mail slot this afternoon it was freezing cold outside. I know this doesn't sound like much at all, but think about it! Shantel writes me talking about how hot and tropical it is, and I don't get the message until it's so cold that I can't feel my toes when I go outside and my eyeballs freeze in my head. It's cold. I do know that it's not as cold as it could be, but give me some credit here! I mean, it figures that she writes me to tell me about the perfect weather right while I'm skipping my afternoon class because I'm too much of a wuss to brave the cold, go outside and walk the five blocks to the bus stop.
What kind of Canadian am I?
Also, I forget the point of this post...
Today I received a letter from my friend who doing a semester in Ecuador. It took this letter exactly two months to reach me from the time she posted it, so when it was finally pushed through my mail slot this afternoon it was freezing cold outside. I know this doesn't sound like much at all, but think about it! Shantel writes me talking about how hot and tropical it is, and I don't get the message until it's so cold that I can't feel my toes when I go outside and my eyeballs freeze in my head. It's cold. I do know that it's not as cold as it could be, but give me some credit here! I mean, it figures that she writes me to tell me about the perfect weather right while I'm skipping my afternoon class because I'm too much of a wuss to brave the cold, go outside and walk the five blocks to the bus stop.
What kind of Canadian am I?
Also, I forget the point of this post...
Sunday, November 25, 2007
The Inuit and I
In my first year of university I took an anthropology class. The class was mandatory and probably a good 2/3 of the 450 person class thought the professor was a complete flake, so as a result I couldn't really give you any details about what I 'learned' from that class. Seriously, all I can remember about the native peoples of New Guinea and West Africa was that they tended to be naked in most of the films we watched. However, my memory is oddly vivid and detailed when I think of the time we spent studying the Inuit.
Living in the extreme conditions of the cold white north, the Inuit relied on each other completely and entirely for their own survival. It was (and still is I guess) impossible to survive by your self, and perfect unquestionable cooperation within the tribe was essential. All people in the Inuit tribe had to appear happy, content, or at least placid or else the rest of the tribe would fear that they would loose the flow of their society. So. In order to prevent that from happening, if ever a tribe member was depressed, pissed-off or in any way unhappy, the rest of the tribe would deal with it by simply picking up all their belongings and leaving in the middle of the night without telling the offending malcontent and therefore leaving him to elements to basically die.
I guess this is a pretty extreme circumstance and that minor offenders would just end up being shunned withing the community for the rest of their life or until one day they woke up and saw that they were all alone.
Sometimes I think this lifestyle is brilliant. Non-confrontational solutions to every possible problem that may come up seems absolutely perfect compared to the way I'm used to things. All my life I've been pretty content to just go along with the flow and do what I'm told without any questions and be happy with everything that comes my way. But lately I've been somewhat less than satisfied with the way my life is going... which is to say nowhere.
My parents are at a complete loss as to how to deal with this new me that is unsatisfied, has developed a belated sense of pride and despondence (I know that they don't quite go along together, but... whatever!). I'm not saying that my family has gone and disappeared from my home in the middle of the night leaving me to fend for myself in the cold. But today, for the third time, my mother has asked me to consider going to a doctor and asking about anti-depressants.
So, the Inuit used to (or still do... I don't really remember that part of the lecture) abandon the unhappy individuals of their community to face the elements alone, and my mum tries to get me to take drugs.
I find this a very interesting comparison, because to me, they are both exactly the same.
Living in the extreme conditions of the cold white north, the Inuit relied on each other completely and entirely for their own survival. It was (and still is I guess) impossible to survive by your self, and perfect unquestionable cooperation within the tribe was essential. All people in the Inuit tribe had to appear happy, content, or at least placid or else the rest of the tribe would fear that they would loose the flow of their society. So. In order to prevent that from happening, if ever a tribe member was depressed, pissed-off or in any way unhappy, the rest of the tribe would deal with it by simply picking up all their belongings and leaving in the middle of the night without telling the offending malcontent and therefore leaving him to elements to basically die.
I guess this is a pretty extreme circumstance and that minor offenders would just end up being shunned withing the community for the rest of their life or until one day they woke up and saw that they were all alone.
Sometimes I think this lifestyle is brilliant. Non-confrontational solutions to every possible problem that may come up seems absolutely perfect compared to the way I'm used to things. All my life I've been pretty content to just go along with the flow and do what I'm told without any questions and be happy with everything that comes my way. But lately I've been somewhat less than satisfied with the way my life is going... which is to say nowhere.
My parents are at a complete loss as to how to deal with this new me that is unsatisfied, has developed a belated sense of pride and despondence (I know that they don't quite go along together, but... whatever!). I'm not saying that my family has gone and disappeared from my home in the middle of the night leaving me to fend for myself in the cold. But today, for the third time, my mother has asked me to consider going to a doctor and asking about anti-depressants.
So, the Inuit used to (or still do... I don't really remember that part of the lecture) abandon the unhappy individuals of their community to face the elements alone, and my mum tries to get me to take drugs.
I find this a very interesting comparison, because to me, they are both exactly the same.
Time for Breakfast
I woke up really happy this morning. It's kind of strange when that happens I think. Definitely not a bad thing, but just strange that I woke up smiling after so many mornings of just waking up and not wanting to deal with what I know the day will bring and even not wanting to be here anymore.
But today I woke up and thought I might make french toast for everyone and then make myself busy with laundry and then go to the gym. Weird. I haven't felt like this in a while which is why I thought I should write it down! Chronicle it for the ages as a sign. A sign of what, I have no idea... maybe that things are going to get better.
I was promised that they would. Get better I mean.
But today I woke up and thought I might make french toast for everyone and then make myself busy with laundry and then go to the gym. Weird. I haven't felt like this in a while which is why I thought I should write it down! Chronicle it for the ages as a sign. A sign of what, I have no idea... maybe that things are going to get better.
I was promised that they would. Get better I mean.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
You ever get that feeling where you're so exhausted and you feel like you can barely even function, but you can't sleep no matter how hard you try? I get that all the time. Lay awake at night and stare at my ceiling for hours until I hardy even know where I am anymore.
I think one of my biggest problems is that I tend to worry about things. Not really panicky type things (although that does happen sometimes too), but more like daily things and things that shouldn't really matter at all but do for some reason. I spent a while last night worrying about whether or not I know how to kiss and if when I kiss a man, he's repulsed by it.
Am I unique? I think about that a lot. I used to think that I was and it always made me really happy to know that no matter what, I would always be me and no one else. But then I was told a little while ago by my mum that I wasn't unique at all. That everything I had thought was original about myself was really just a cop-out.
Am I passionate? I've been told that I'm not passionate about anything, but I don't know why I would be exceptionally passionate about anything at 20 years old, when I don't have anything. Should I be passionate for money and stuff ? That just seems like such a waste to me. I'd rather wait for a person to feel passionate about, or a job or something (anything!) other than what I've got to show for myself right now. I mean, really: "I'm passionate about Starbucks coffee!" "I'm passionate about my clothes!" is that kind of thing healthy?
After all this thinking and questioning I pretty much just come to the conclusion that I have no idea about anything and to think otherwise would be incredibly naive. Does that mean I'm wrong? I don't think so, because that would just mean that everyone else is right and that would be pretty awful.
Maybe I'll just try counting sheep.
I think one of my biggest problems is that I tend to worry about things. Not really panicky type things (although that does happen sometimes too), but more like daily things and things that shouldn't really matter at all but do for some reason. I spent a while last night worrying about whether or not I know how to kiss and if when I kiss a man, he's repulsed by it.
Am I unique? I think about that a lot. I used to think that I was and it always made me really happy to know that no matter what, I would always be me and no one else. But then I was told a little while ago by my mum that I wasn't unique at all. That everything I had thought was original about myself was really just a cop-out.
Am I passionate? I've been told that I'm not passionate about anything, but I don't know why I would be exceptionally passionate about anything at 20 years old, when I don't have anything. Should I be passionate for money and stuff ? That just seems like such a waste to me. I'd rather wait for a person to feel passionate about, or a job or something (anything!) other than what I've got to show for myself right now. I mean, really: "I'm passionate about Starbucks coffee!" "I'm passionate about my clothes!" is that kind of thing healthy?
After all this thinking and questioning I pretty much just come to the conclusion that I have no idea about anything and to think otherwise would be incredibly naive. Does that mean I'm wrong? I don't think so, because that would just mean that everyone else is right and that would be pretty awful.
Maybe I'll just try counting sheep.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Sleepy...
Please someone tell me to just stop thinking
about driving my car and hitting a cyclist
and telling my parents that I hit a cyclist
because I failed a class (even though I didn't really fail it, but in my head I did) and couldn't think
about anything other than the fact that I'm an idiot
and that I can't even pretend to be normal and act normal
and what the fuck IS normal
because I thought I was yesterday but today I'm so fucked up
about everything and how I can't even be around people
and why people always forget me
I just want to stop thinking
stop thinking about how I don't even really truly exist at all.
I'm tired.
about driving my car and hitting a cyclist
and telling my parents that I hit a cyclist
because I failed a class (even though I didn't really fail it, but in my head I did) and couldn't think
about anything other than the fact that I'm an idiot
and that I can't even pretend to be normal and act normal
and what the fuck IS normal
because I thought I was yesterday but today I'm so fucked up
about everything and how I can't even be around people
and why people always forget me
I just want to stop thinking
stop thinking about how I don't even really truly exist at all.
I'm tired.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Right and Wrong
Is it wrong to go out with someone because they validate you? I mean, I know that most people do this and that the biggest reason why we date people is because they validate us, but what if that's the only reason why you're going out with someone?
I ran into a guy I met while traveling in the United Kingdom with my friend the other day and I don't think that he recognized me at all. He recognized my friend and they got talking for a while and arranged to go out for coffee, but he didn't even really acknowledge I was there at all. Usually this kind of thing wouldn't bother me at all because it happens all the time and I'm pretty used to it, but I thought that I really hit it off with this guy when we were overseas.
So now I'm going out with a guy who is really very nice and who has been asking me out for a little while... but I'm not attracted to him at all. He just makes me feel like he actually wants me there.
Is this wrong? I don't even know...
I ran into a guy I met while traveling in the United Kingdom with my friend the other day and I don't think that he recognized me at all. He recognized my friend and they got talking for a while and arranged to go out for coffee, but he didn't even really acknowledge I was there at all. Usually this kind of thing wouldn't bother me at all because it happens all the time and I'm pretty used to it, but I thought that I really hit it off with this guy when we were overseas.
So now I'm going out with a guy who is really very nice and who has been asking me out for a little while... but I'm not attracted to him at all. He just makes me feel like he actually wants me there.
Is this wrong? I don't even know...
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