I'm Ready

Teach me to flyyyyy...

something I can't describe

It was always there
in the fresh sheets and the music's beats
and in the warm breeze and the playful tease
the pink lips and the touch of fingertips,
It was everywhere.

In the orange moon and my ice cream spoon
the tight hug and the tea in your mug
and in the lingering kiss and the sight you can't miss,
It was everywhere.

In the fresh-cut flowers and those single golden hours
the falling snow and that song you know
and the second chance and the perfect last dance,
It was everywhere.

I swear that feeling...
it was there.

I have to dig my way out. Again.

It's never as funny as they make it look on the Simpsons.

marks

I've been marked
with a
bright
orange
magic marker

I wonder if it will
come out.

Chilly!

It's strange how events in my life move to some bizarre juxtaposition at just the right moment. This happens all the time, but today it wasn't even subtle. It was like the world just though to itself, 'meh, I'm tired and lazy' and didn't bother to throw in any zeal or twists in order to make things interesting.

Today I received a letter from my friend who doing a semester in Ecuador. It took this letter exactly two months to reach me from the time she posted it, so when it was finally pushed through my mail slot this afternoon it was freezing cold outside. I know this doesn't sound like much at all, but think about it! Shantel writes me talking about how hot and tropical it is, and I don't get the message until it's so cold that I can't feel my toes when I go outside and my eyeballs freeze in my head. It's cold. I do know that it's not as cold as it could be, but give me some credit here! I mean, it figures that she writes me to tell me about the perfect weather right while I'm skipping my afternoon class because I'm too much of a wuss to brave the cold, go outside and walk the five blocks to the bus stop.
What kind of Canadian am I?
Also, I forget the point of this post...

The Inuit and I

In my first year of university I took an anthropology class. The class was mandatory and probably a good 2/3 of the 450 person class thought the professor was a complete flake, so as a result I couldn't really give you any details about what I 'learned' from that class. Seriously, all I can remember about the native peoples of New Guinea and West Africa was that they tended to be naked in most of the films we watched. However, my memory is oddly vivid and detailed when I think of the time we spent studying the Inuit.

Living in the extreme conditions of the cold white north, the Inuit relied on each other completely and entirely for their own survival. It was (and still is I guess) impossible to survive by your self, and perfect unquestionable cooperation within the tribe was essential. All people in the Inuit tribe had to appear happy, content, or at least placid or else the rest of the tribe would fear that they would loose the flow of their society. So. In order to prevent that from happening, if ever a tribe member was depressed, pissed-off or in any way unhappy, the rest of the tribe would deal with it by simply picking up all their belongings and leaving in the middle of the night without telling the offending malcontent and therefore leaving him to elements to basically die.
I guess this is a pretty extreme circumstance and that minor offenders would just end up being shunned withing the community for the rest of their life or until one day they woke up and saw that they were all alone.

Sometimes I think this lifestyle is brilliant. Non-confrontational solutions to every possible problem that may come up seems absolutely perfect compared to the way I'm used to things. All my life I've been pretty content to just go along with the flow and do what I'm told without any questions and be happy with everything that comes my way. But lately I've been somewhat less than satisfied with the way my life is going... which is to say nowhere.

My parents are at a complete loss as to how to deal with this new me that is unsatisfied, has developed a belated sense of pride and despondence (I know that they don't quite go along together, but... whatever!). I'm not saying that my family has gone and disappeared from my home in the middle of the night leaving me to fend for myself in the cold. But today, for the third time, my mother has asked me to consider going to a doctor and asking about anti-depressants.
So, the Inuit used to (or still do... I don't really remember that part of the lecture) abandon the unhappy individuals of their community to face the elements alone, and my mum tries to get me to take drugs.

I find this a very interesting comparison, because to me, they are both exactly the same.

Time for Breakfast

I woke up really happy this morning. It's kind of strange when that happens I think. Definitely not a bad thing, but just strange that I woke up smiling after so many mornings of just waking up and not wanting to deal with what I know the day will bring and even not wanting to be here anymore.
But today I woke up and thought I might make french toast for everyone and then make myself busy with laundry and then go to the gym. Weird. I haven't felt like this in a while which is why I thought I should write it down! Chronicle it for the ages as a sign. A sign of what, I have no idea... maybe that things are going to get better.
I was promised that they would. Get better I mean.

You ever get that feeling where you're so exhausted and you feel like you can barely even function, but you can't sleep no matter how hard you try? I get that all the time. Lay awake at night and stare at my ceiling for hours until I hardy even know where I am anymore.
I think one of my biggest problems is that I tend to worry about things. Not really panicky type things (although that does happen sometimes too), but more like daily things and things that shouldn't really matter at all but do for some reason. I spent a while last night worrying about whether or not I know how to kiss and if when I kiss a man, he's repulsed by it.
Am I unique? I think about that a lot. I used to think that I was and it always made me really happy to know that no matter what, I would always be me and no one else. But then I was told a little while ago by my mum that I wasn't unique at all. That everything I had thought was original about myself was really just a cop-out.
Am I passionate? I've been told that I'm not passionate about anything, but I don't know why I would be exceptionally passionate about anything at 20 years old, when I don't have anything. Should I be passionate for money and stuff ? That just seems like such a waste to me. I'd rather wait for a person to feel passionate about, or a job or something (anything!) other than what I've got to show for myself right now. I mean, really: "I'm passionate about Starbucks coffee!" "I'm passionate about my clothes!" is that kind of thing healthy?

After all this thinking and questioning I pretty much just come to the conclusion that I have no idea about anything and to think otherwise would be incredibly naive. Does that mean I'm wrong? I don't think so, because that would just mean that everyone else is right and that would be pretty awful.
Maybe I'll just try counting sheep.

Sleepy...

Please someone tell me to just stop thinking
about driving my car and hitting a cyclist
and telling my parents that I hit a cyclist
because I failed a class (even though I didn't really fail it, but in my head I did) and couldn't think
about anything other than the fact that I'm an idiot
and that I can't even pretend to be normal and act normal
and what the fuck IS normal
because I thought I was yesterday but today I'm so fucked up
about everything and how I can't even be around people
and why people always forget me
I just want to stop thinking
stop thinking about how I don't even really truly exist at all.

I'm tired.

Right and Wrong

Is it wrong to go out with someone because they validate you? I mean, I know that most people do this and that the biggest reason why we date people is because they validate us, but what if that's the only reason why you're going out with someone?
I ran into a guy I met while traveling in the United Kingdom with my friend the other day and I don't think that he recognized me at all. He recognized my friend and they got talking for a while and arranged to go out for coffee, but he didn't even really acknowledge I was there at all. Usually this kind of thing wouldn't bother me at all because it happens all the time and I'm pretty used to it, but I thought that I really hit it off with this guy when we were overseas.
So now I'm going out with a guy who is really very nice and who has been asking me out for a little while... but I'm not attracted to him at all. He just makes me feel like he actually wants me there.
Is this wrong? I don't even know...