So It Starts. Again.

After my long and involved summer of insanity you would think that I would welcome the start of another semester with open arms.  You would be very mistaken.  

While everyone I've talked with (and unintentionally eavesdropped on) go on and on about how they are so happy to be going back to class and seeing all their friends and opening up brand new books and having their horizons expanded yet another mile in every direction, all I can think about is how much I want to bury my head under a pile of sand and never have to come up again for air.  It's not just the tests or the papers or the having to sit in a classroom with 69 other people for hours listening to a professor talk about how he is the greatest and smartest person I will ever meet.  It's also the fact that I know 49 of the 69 people in that classroom and none of them are really willing to talk to me or sit next to me or acknowledge me at all.  It's the fact that I go weeks without speaking to anyone outside my home despite my best efforts to appear "approachable" (I even started leaving my iPod at home!) and make arrangements with people myself.  

I'd be lying if I i said that loneliness was the only reason why I'm so entirely dreading the next 8 months of my life because the stress of having to have the perfect tests and the stand-out papers every time.   My memory is exceptionally bad when it comes to facts and dates and theories so my tests are never perfect -- I always miss that one crucial point and kick myself as soon as it's over.  My brain is scattered and I can never write in a strait line, so I'm always being docked on my oh-so-awkward sentences (awk, awk, awk).  

These are just excuses.  Maybe I'm just lazy.  

I sometimes look at getting a masters degree at some prestigious school abroad.  The things I would learn would be amazing (I think), and I would probably get some nice fancy job (I would hope).  But when I think of another year (or two) of school I cringe and revert back to wanting to either crawl into a cave and hide in the dark, or burry my head in the sand until this horrible idea blows over like a bad storm.  

I probably should have been an electrician.  

The Inuit and I

In my first year of university I took an anthropology class. The class was mandatory and probably a good 2/3 of the 450 person class thought the professor was a complete flake, so as a result I couldn't really give you any details about what I 'learned' from that class. Seriously, all I can remember about the native peoples of New Guinea and West Africa was that they tended to be naked in most of the films we watched. However, my memory is oddly vivid and detailed when I think of the time we spent studying the Inuit.

Living in the extreme conditions of the cold white north, the Inuit relied on each other completely and entirely for their own survival. It was (and still is I guess) impossible to survive by your self, and perfect unquestionable cooperation within the tribe was essential. All people in the Inuit tribe had to appear happy, content, or at least placid or else the rest of the tribe would fear that they would loose the flow of their society. So. In order to prevent that from happening, if ever a tribe member was depressed, pissed-off or in any way unhappy, the rest of the tribe would deal with it by simply picking up all their belongings and leaving in the middle of the night without telling the offending malcontent and therefore leaving him to elements to basically die.
I guess this is a pretty extreme circumstance and that minor offenders would just end up being shunned withing the community for the rest of their life or until one day they woke up and saw that they were all alone.

Sometimes I think this lifestyle is brilliant. Non-confrontational solutions to every possible problem that may come up seems absolutely perfect compared to the way I'm used to things. All my life I've been pretty content to just go along with the flow and do what I'm told without any questions and be happy with everything that comes my way. But lately I've been somewhat less than satisfied with the way my life is going... which is to say nowhere.

My parents are at a complete loss as to how to deal with this new me that is unsatisfied, has developed a belated sense of pride and despondence (I know that they don't quite go along together, but... whatever!). I'm not saying that my family has gone and disappeared from my home in the middle of the night leaving me to fend for myself in the cold. But today, for the third time, my mother has asked me to consider going to a doctor and asking about anti-depressants.
So, the Inuit used to (or still do... I don't really remember that part of the lecture) abandon the unhappy individuals of their community to face the elements alone, and my mum tries to get me to take drugs.

I find this a very interesting comparison, because to me, they are both exactly the same.

Time for Breakfast

I woke up really happy this morning. It's kind of strange when that happens I think. Definitely not a bad thing, but just strange that I woke up smiling after so many mornings of just waking up and not wanting to deal with what I know the day will bring and even not wanting to be here anymore.
But today I woke up and thought I might make french toast for everyone and then make myself busy with laundry and then go to the gym. Weird. I haven't felt like this in a while which is why I thought I should write it down! Chronicle it for the ages as a sign. A sign of what, I have no idea... maybe that things are going to get better.
I was promised that they would. Get better I mean.

Sleepy...

Please someone tell me to just stop thinking
about driving my car and hitting a cyclist
and telling my parents that I hit a cyclist
because I failed a class (even though I didn't really fail it, but in my head I did) and couldn't think
about anything other than the fact that I'm an idiot
and that I can't even pretend to be normal and act normal
and what the fuck IS normal
because I thought I was yesterday but today I'm so fucked up
about everything and how I can't even be around people
and why people always forget me
I just want to stop thinking
stop thinking about how I don't even really truly exist at all.

I'm tired.