Yoshito: He is Very Small

Yosh is the youngest person in the house at 9 years old, and out of all my Japanese housemates, he is by far the quickest when it comes to learning and speaking English.  Like all the kids at the house he loves video games, unlike the other kids though, he uses the language he hears in the games all the time and is able to apply it to anything.  Unfortunately, being the youngest, he's also the complainer and the whiner of the group.  

Yoshito's Hilarious English Moment #1:

If ever confused or asked to try a new food, Yosh will quickly wave his hand in front of his face and say in a deep Mufasa-ish voice, "no no no no".  

Yoshito's Hilarious English Moment #2: 

After a long hike on a trail through the woods when all the kids were thoroughly exhausted, I said to Yosh, "Now we're gonna do it one more time!"  He stared at me like I hit him over the head with a log and replied, "I do not understand" with a look of mild horror.  When I repeated myself, his eyes got huge and he said with great vehemence, "return home now please!".  

Yoshito's Hilarious English Moment #3: 

My brother likes a lot of wasabi in his soy sauce when he eats sushi.  When Yosh saw that Jake's soy was a murky green instead of the pale brown of most normal people's sauce, his eyes got crazy wide (again) and exclaimed that Jake didn't have soy sauce, he had "Crazy Danger Sauce!".  

This may not seem like much, but this kid came here two weeks ago and spoke not a single word of English and now he's translating for all the older kids.  I think it's fantastic!

Koji: Loving Grandfather or Raging Loony?

Koji is the oldest of my Japanese guests.  Oldest by about 50 years (actually 53 years, but who's counting?!), the kids are all terrified of him and enamored with him at the same time.  In Tokyo, he was a chef for a few decades and owned his own restaurant until recently when he decided, on a whim apparently, to move to the countryside where he became the Harbor Master for a little town.  Here with his two grandchildren, Rina (12) and Yoshito (9), as well as three of his karate students, he is adamant that they all speak English all the time and that they clean the house from top to bottom every second day because they are "here to learn about life".

Weird Koji Moment #1: 

Was not at all worried when he first landed (completely gunned) at the Calgary Airport and was missing two children.  Seriously.  He had no idea where they were and we spent two hours looking for them.  

Weird Koji Moment #2:

I took the clan to a theme park on the 4th day.  While there, both of his grandchildren got bitten by wasps and both times he bit the skin around the wasp bite and tried to suck out the poison.  The poor little girl looked like she had a hickey on her neck for days, while the little boy (who was bit just under his eye!!) had bite marks on his cheek.  It's rare that you see strangers stop in their steps to just gape open mouthed at a scene before them...

Weird Koji Moment #3:

Unsatisfied with our dull kitchen knives, he grabbed a rock from our garden, sat on the back steps, and proceeded to sharpen our (serrated) knives with a rock.  I don't really have much to add to that one.

Weird Koji Moment #4: 

While we were on a hike, he picked several mushrooms and told me they would be very delicious.  All I know about mushrooms is not to touch them and that many of them are poisonous.  After I told him this, he ate one and said that they tasted like a very expensive type of mushroom (in Japan they're supposedly worth about $80.00/kg) and that if he did not die we should collect these mushrooms and become rich.  He didn't die, but I'm not going to go picking dubious mushrooms.

First Day of the Third Week

Today, for the first time in probably five or six years, I donned my fancy purple lace-up roller blades.  I don't do this sort of thing for just anybody (I usually spent just as much time on the ground nursing an injury as I did actually skating), so when the five little Japanese children looked up at me with their pleading puppy dog eyes I could only give in.  So, cameras in hand and feet wobbling only slightly in their newly bought skates, I led on my six Japanese guests in a lap around the block.  

By the time all the dust and cobwebs had blown off my skates I had gained back a bit of confidence.  I knew how to do this!  And so, to the applause of my Japanese housemates, I was skating forwards and backwards and helping them to do the same.  

Of course once I was ready for round two (three blocks to the 7-Eleven), four were tired and done and one was already asleep on the deck.  My six eager and determined students had turned into one.  Still wanting slurpees, the others all put on their sneakers and ran to catch up as I left with my new skating buddy at top speed (well, not quite top speed).  

It was of course on the way home that I tripped on my own feet and slammed into the pavement.  My moment of glory though, came right after I stood up and somehow managed to fall again, this time in front of a gaggle of spectators.  I think there were photos taken.  

Thus began the third week of my month with the Japanese here in Canada: with bloodshed and tears.  

The Mating Rituals of Monkeys

I've been going to the university gym a lot lately as part of my new, get-out-of-this-freaking-rut mission 2008.

Going to the gym regularly, however, has shown me a whole new aspect of university life that I have only really seen on television. You see, I have always enjoyed working out. Going to the gym and working up a good sweat has always been a feeling that I enjoyed. That moment when you're on the stationary bike and you start to really work up a sweat (after the initial feeling like you're legs are going to fall off and you're going to die in a horribly mangled stationary bike accident in front of everyone...) and get the sensation that you're realling accomplishing something, can be pure bliss. The best part though is when you finish the cardio and you have that pleasant strain in your legs that you know will hurt you more later, but you don't really mind because it means that you've done something right.

Those are the reasons why I have returned to the gym.

For other people, the reasons are a bit more... animalistic.

Here enters the university gym as a jungle mating ground rather than anything else.

The first species one notices when entering the gym, is the common fitness atendant. Akin to the bonobo monkey, the common fitness attendant is prone to solving his or her social problems through sexual encounters and conquest. With their keen ability to view all the animals in jungle (or all the people in the gym), the bonobo is able to pick out the most attractive candidate for a mate. Constant preening and an affinity for shiny objects like mirrors, makes the fitness attendant the "prettiest" of all the species in this particular jungle.

Once a position is established within the jungle, an observer can easily spot the large overzealous weight trainer, usually compared to the silverback gorilla. Acting as the centre of attention within his troop of weight-lifters, the dominant silverback makes overt displays of masculinity to gain followers and increase his prominance and dominance within the jungle. I myself have been enveloped withing the clan of crazy cardio. With the shared desire to work our legs and lungs until our faces are so red we begin to appear sub human. We are the lemurs working hard and watching the real action unfold around us as we busily and happily continue on with our lives.

The groups that I find most interesting to watch while I'm dying on the bike in my keen and watchful state, is the group of people who go to the gym primarily to find a mate. Made up of both males and females, this species of gym-goer is closely related to the baboon when comparing mating and courtship behaviour. The lack of interest in actual exercise and focus on showing signs of interest and availability demonstrates the baboonity of the common gym-courter.

Finally there are the older members of the gym who you see wandering around the equipment and contemplating working out... but never really do. This special group of individuals has been known to draw ties from the Emperor Tamarin. Wise and soulful looking, the Tamarin looks as though it knows what it's doing and presents a knowing and friendly facade, it is actually quite viscious when it comes to someone stealing what they believe is rightfully theirs.

A Cottage Cheese Emergency

My mom is a nurse who works nights at one of the local hospitals. This is something that my family has had to get used to over the past couple of years, as my mom isn't a very... pleasant... person when she doesn't get enough sleep.

Today, while I was in my hovel being very quiet so that she got enough sleep, I heard people walking around upstairs so I went up to investigate.
Upstairs, I saw my mom in the fridge yelling at my dad about the lack of cottage cheese. COTTAGE CHEESE! My father doesn't even eat cottage cheese (actually the only people who eat it in the whole world are my mom and my sister). She then, very angrily, put some yogurt in a bowl and tried to force feed said yogurt to my dad (who hates yogurt).

She was so angry she couldn't remember my sister's phone number to call her up and give her shit for cottage cheese that was apparently AWAL.

Luckily my father was able to quietly and discretely slip out of the house unscathed. I, however, was not so lucky and only managed to slink back into my basement hovel after listening to mom mumble and mutter and complain and swear about my sister and COTTAGE CHEESE(!).

Like I said, it's taken us a little while to get used to her night shifts, but we're learning to deal.

Stewie

My grandmother's cat eats eggs at the kitchen table.
He prefers them sunny-side up,
And on a plate of equal size to the rest of the plates at the table.

This is the same cat that will only drink distilled water out of a martini glass.
Grandma says he can tell the difference.

I say that sometimes I wish I was a cat.

ew.

Men over 55 should not be allowed to talk to single women under 30 unless they are closely related or under heavy supervision. A consent form should have to be signed if neither of these two criteria are met. Inappropriate touching and innuendo are not allowed under any circumstances.

Ew.

That is the last old person party I ever go to. Until I'm old and lonely and need my own rules.

Still, Ew.